Thorny issues ...

I have this little problem with self-sufficiency. God blessed me with a highly logical, steel trap of a brain. I've been able to use said grey matter to excel academically and move up out of a work position that is unfortunately a dead-end for many. Between God-given insight and life experience, I've also become adept at reading people and figuring out how to best interact with or motivate them to achieve a positive outcome (be it friendship, work projects, parenting, etc.). Things don't always work out perfectly, but the odds have been in my favor more often than not. The problem with these gifts is that because the world views these as personal skills and applauds effective utilization, I find that I easily succumb to the lie that I can do these things on my own. Somewhere along the way, both my focus and my dependence shifts to my ability instead of Jesus Christ. It's no wonder then that when my ability fails to be sufficient for a given task or situation, my already distracted gaze naturally shifts to the waves instead of the Savior (where it should have been all along).


It's not that I don't know any better. God has provided ample proof of his provision that surpassed anything I could have achieved apart from him, and which, when closely examined, actually required disappointment of my own efforts (which I had in no way taken to him for guidance) to come to fruition. For example, two years ago I was extremely unhappy with my job and the future prospects with my employer given recent changes within the organization. I applied not once, but twice, for a government position that held great promise. I was highly qualified, and each time I was among those selected for consideration. Twice someone else was selected before I even got an interview. Three months after the second failed attempt, I graduated with my bachelors degree. With more free time and discussions about Eric and I beginning a family of our own, I felt moved to work toward more active involvement with the four children he already had from his previous marriage. Two months after we began taking an active role in the children's lives, I received a promotion at work that came with a generous pay increase and a new boss who continues to amaze me with her compassion and desire to give her employees a work-personal life balance that is hard to come by in our country. The raise allowed us to move from a tiny one-bedroom apartment where we'd been able to keep our monthly bills in check and work our way out of debt to a three-bedroom apartment where we could give the kids a bedroom to sleep in when they stayed over instead of the couch and a comfortable dining area instead of squeezing a folding table and six people into the living room. We knew that we (Eric especially) needed to be actively involved with the kids. Eric could not undo his past mistakes, but he had to make the effort to do the right thing going forward. Things were difficult at times. We made mistakes. God used this time in our lives to bring Eric and I back to him.We were at a loss as to what to do at times, but we knew that getting right with God was the first step toward resolution. Andrew, Eric's youngest, came to live with us in March of 2011. For two months, Eric and I took turns driving Andrew from Yulee to his school in Georgia and back again. On the days I took and picked up Andrew, I worked from home -- an option I would never have had if I had gotten that job with Uncle Sam. Ten months later, we packed up and moved 3,000 miles away from everything we'd ever known. Still,  I have my job working from home full time. Our finances could have been in dire straits had I been unable to keep my job or find one here -- or had to commute to Seattle and somehow coordinate (and afford) care for Drew before and after school when Eric is at sea. But we're not. We're richly blessed even beyond our needs. All because two years ago when I had everything all figured out, God said, "No." He knew the situation we would find ourselves in. He knew Andrew would need us. He knew we would be relocating to Washington. He provided in a way that was not only beyond my ability, but beyond my knowledge or understanding.


One would think that with his fingerprints so clearly visible in our circumstances over the last two years, that I would have finally learned to let go of my desire to do it myself, leaning on my own understanding. Ha! I am humbled by how weak and foolish I am. Even over the last two months, I have steadily slipped away. I'm not running amok or engaging in what the world would interpret as overtly sinful behavior, but I have sinned by slowly pushing him to the back burner (and sin is sin is sin). I worry instead of going to him. I get angry and feel justified in having a negative attitude because I've done so much that hasn't been acknowledged or appreciated, I've been lied about, I've gone beyond the call of duty (ahem ... by the world's standards), I've worked so hard to see my efforts thwarted, ignored or upbraided. I. Me. My. Wow. What happened to giving him glory? Who am I to take so much pride in what I've done and require earthly acknowledgement for my efforts. Didn't God clearly orchestrate the details from the very beginning? Didn't he make it possible? I have been tested, and I have failed. Miserably. The study guide was (and is) readily available, and the professor offered to walk me through the exam himself. But I wanted to do it on my own. How utterly ridiculous. How humiliating.

This has all come pouring over me today as I encountered yet another frustrating and seemingly incomprehensible situation. I make such efforts to be blameless in the face of adversity, and to approach people in a way that seems logical, reasonable, and even generous at times. I try to be considerate and appeal to the good in people, but sometimes it is to no avail. My efforts are, at best, ignored, and at worst twisted around and made out to be something malicious (which they are never intended to be). It's maddening.

While there are a number of assertions that can be made about why people act this way, for me that isn't the point. I've tried to understand and to adjust my approach accordingly, but every effort has failed. The truth is that God's job is results, my job is obedience. My problem is simply that I have depended on my ability to "fix" the situation instead of turning it over to God (oh sure, I've prayed about it time and again, but have a nasty habit of snatching it back as many times as I hand it over). As a result, although I often do or say what may in all actuality by the right thing by even his standards, my heart has not been in the right place. But it's alright to grin and bear it so long as I do the right thing, right? Not quite.

^"For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account."  Hebrews 4:12-13

The truth is that I have been doing the right thing (and sometimes not even that) for the wrong reasons. I am no better than anyone else. We are all sinners. We all have our hang ups. Because my heart has not been right and I have been seeking my own glory instead of his, these failed efforts have led me to become bitter and resentful toward those with whom I find myself at odds and toward certain circumstances in my life. What is there to be proud of in all of that? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. There is a reason we are to die to self.

I have discovered a thorn in my flesh. It keeps me from boasting because it is beyond my ability to overcome. It will not be taken from me. It will prove an ongoing test of my dependency on my Heavenly Father to provide the strength to overcome my fleshly weakness, to be content at his being the sole recipient of the glory, and to receive (and extend!) his grace.  

"Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:6-10


"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." ~ I Peter 4:12-13

Lord, please forgive me for my pride, self-sufficiency, and bitterness.  Please give me compassion and a willingness to extend forgiveness and grace without discrimination, even and perhaps most especially when it is not proactively sought and when I find myself asking as Peter did, how many times I am to forgive this same offense. Help me to love with your love when I cannot muster the limited, feeble love I have to give of myself. Help me to see this thorn as a blessing as it reminds me of my dependence on you, and fill my heart with a desire to lay these worries at your feet, leaving them there and seek to speak and act in ways that will bring you glory regardless of how those words and actions may be received. Amen.